the Blethering Spot

I’ve just been doing some online shopping at Please Mum. As we live in a severely retail challenged area, and as I consider Wal Mart to be the work of the devil, I like to shop online.

But this morning, I kept getting this disconcerting message on my screen:

THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH ONE OF THE ITEMS IN YOUR CART. PLEASE REVIEW EACH ITEM CAREFULLY.

This is what was happening: while I was shopping, things kept selling out. I’d put them neatly in my cart, innocently relaxed and unhurried, and then by the time I had selected something else, the bloody thing would be sold out. Cotton Ripstop Camo Print Skirt? SOLD OUT. Cotton Lawn Flutter Sleeve Blouse, Seaspray? SOLD OUT. Short Sleeve Jersey Ringer Tee, Pink Sherbet? Oh, sorry. SOLD OUT.

After this happened twice, I began clicking around in a frenzy. My hands were shaking. I felt sweat begin to trickle down my spine. My jaws were clenched, my brow furrowed, and my breathing sharp, erratic. I was like one of those mad Cabbage Patch mothers, who scratched and clawed other mothers back in 1983 to get a doll. Pull On Plaid Tiered Skirt w/Crochet Lace? YES, YES, I DON’T CARE WHAT COLOUR, JUST GET IT IN THE D**N CART! Sweater Cardigan w/Crochet Flowers, White? GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU STUPID COW! THAT’S MINE!!!

In the end, I had rashly tossed $172.62 worth of frantically selected items in my cart. Of course I had to confirm the order to make sure they’re mine…. so, when I receive five pairs of XS Striped Yoked Jersey Skirt, Lemon Drop, I guess the Sally Ann will benefit. One thing really concerns me, though…

Note the slick new Kanga element on my sidebar! Kanga is appearing in honour of Daphne’s new baby Sasha, born on June 21. (not sure of that spelling, btw.) I feel that there have been a deficit of Girl Baby Showers here recently, so I am going to break out all the pink tulle, pink rattles and pink sprinkly clog-your-vacuum little foil heart things. Friday, July 6, 7:00pm… my house… last one here is a rotten egg.

Seriously, girls, if you live around here and you know who Daphne is…. Daphne is very quiet and shy, but I know for a fact that she would be overwhelmingly grateful if we threw her a shower! She counts herself as part of our church family, so let’s act like a family and show her that we love her and care about her.

Okay. So bring a gift. Bring something for me to eat, in my pyjamas, once you’re all gone. Bring your big lovely smiling faces (and the rest of your bodies as well). COME ONE, COME ALL! Let’s give her a gigantic shower, one during which it takes an annoying 2 hours for her to unwrap all the gifts.

Last night I overheard my children discussing which game to play before bed. My youngest said to her sister, “Which game do you like better? Uno or Poker?”

What have I done? Where did I go wrong??!

Blah, blah, blech.

That’s how I feel right now. I should definitely be working on the last little bits of schoolwork (almost done!), but I’m just sitting here, moping, feeling like something the cat just dragged in. Right now I wish I could get on a plane and jet away somewhere – preferably somewhere warmish (without being so hot I have to expose my rapidly expanding flesh), full of interesting sights, and somewhere that I could get some bread, cheese and wine. Actually what I want is to be in Nazi occupied France, as an undercover English agent, riding an old 1940’s bicycle and wearing a fab printed cotton dress and a funky trench coat, looking furtively about me as I ride down to the railway to meet with my French contact, who is one of those sexy 1940’s beret-wearing French dudes who smokes French cigarettes, slicks his hair back, and carries a .45 in his belt.

Uh, hello? Where did that come from???! Another excellent example of how my mind is about as logical as a gerbil’s. A gerbil with run-on sentences. And sentence fragments.

My apologies to my wonderful American friends and readers…. this one was too funny to resist.

…than you’ve ever experienced before. These cheeky pita breads will solve all your problems. Once you’ve made fresh pita, there’s no going back, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tonight, as previously mentioned, I made pita to go with some luscious falalfel (which have already had their 10 minutes of fame in the Blethering limelight). I put some Keith Urban on the stereo (“Take your cap and leave my sweater, ’cause we have nothing left to weather”) and puttered around the kitchen, in my own little slice of heaven.

As an uninteresting side note, I should be posting this recipe in my recipe blog, but I know for a fact no one will see it. And that defeats the purpose.

Here’s how to make Pita Bread:

• 2 1/2 tsp yeast
• 1 tsp honey
• 1 1/4 c. warm water
• 3 c. whole wheat flour
• 1/4 c. olive oil
• 1 tsp salt

First of all, as with any bread, proof the yeast with the honey and about 1/2 c. of the warm water. Here’s where I veer off course, though: I like to add a little flour (about 1/2 c.) and let it rise for about 45 minutes. Then I add the oil, salt, and remaining water (3/4 c.) and flour (2 1/2 c.). Knead it, but don’t go overboard: I knead for about 5 minutes in my industrial strength Bosch mixer. Rise 1 hour. Punch down, and let it rest a minute or two on a nice floured surface.

Cool 2 minutes on cookie sheets, then stack and wrap.

But repeat after me:

1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? A wedge shaped scar on my forehead… ask Shan how I got it.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Children’s artwork (not a great aphrodisiac, admittedly)
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? I drool all over the pillow, it’s disgusting.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? A little bit of everything
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? No.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? To be finished homeschooling
7. WHAT or WHO DO YOU MISS? Mark and Amy
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? My piano (thanks Mom and Dad!)
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU? Taller than my mother
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? No, although I felt vaguely claustrophobic while spelunking.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Not since taking my homeopathic remedy!!!
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Nigella Lawson. I was reading Nigella Bites and started bawling over her recipe for Whitefish.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR THE OPPOSITE GENDER? Eau de Spending Money on Gwen
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? What’s up with these pre-teen questions?
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING/ BEING PROPOSED TO? As Jenny said… I can see a certain naughty sort of proposal being made in the bedroom.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Neither, that’s bad for you.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA? Mark’s
18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Falafal (On the menu for tonight, my mouth is already watering)
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? That’s creepy. No.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU? First one I remember is Crying Dolly.
22. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Jeez…. surely someone does, in this big world.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? Yes
24 and 25..where did you go?!
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? My children do: Klaus and Norman
27. WHAT KIND IS IT? Gerbil and Guinea Pig, respectively
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU? Of course. Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Just say so, for goodness’ sake.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 75
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? Redheads.
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? Shanzilla
33.WHAT ANNOYS YOU THE MOST? Ignorance
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? Many times
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? Food
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Sure.
37. FIRST JOB? Teaching piano
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Many
41. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT? Lying on the couch, dreaming about food
40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? Yes
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My hair, which is a real problem now that it’s all turning white. Very sad situation.
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? Yes
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? Lovely new abs.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? No more.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not my first name – second (Ruth) maybe after the chick in the Bible? Not sure.
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? Shaklee shampoo, Nature’s Gate conditioner
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I suppose so
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey
52. ANY BAD HABITS? Eating copious amounts of salty food, late at night.
53.WHAT IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON YOUR SHELF? Shania Twain
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Of course! I’d propose marriage to myself.

Okay, at this point I quit. I just can’t stand it any more, but I’ll post this anyway. Au revior, I’m off to make some pita for dinner tonight! Ahhhhhhh…… oh, pita and falafal, how I do love thee.

I’ve been dragging my feet through one of those modern books, all full of lofty suggestions of ideas, all written in the present. I hate these books, but I feel such a compulsion to read them, in order to prove (to myself) that I am literary. What a total waste of time.

Gwen sits at the computer. Dust, like fairies, swirls around the fledgling motif of grief. It lingers, touching the tips of the fine hairs at the top of her head, then plunges, desperately, into oblivion, out of the warmth of the sun. She waits, breath suspended, and finally sighs to herself, amused, disappointed. The screen door slams. She can hear the pounding of sneakers, her children’s, on the doorstep. She smells the scent of grass, of the Canadian summer, the longing of the young to bound beyond the restraints she places on them.

That kind of thing. Drives me nuts. I find myself narrating my every move in this annoying fashion. I don’t know why.

… the skim milk is gone.