the Blethering Spot

“Guess who’s coming to Edmonton for Break Forth 2008?” Gwen said to her husband as she filled a large pot with water.
“Who?” He was distracted, picking through a bowl of pistachios.
“Third Day, Mercy Me and Robin Mark,” Gwen crowed smugly.
Mr. Gwen’s hands froze over the pile of shells. “You can’t be serious!”
She laughed as she stirred the spaghetti sauce. “Do you think we should go?”
“Book it.” His voice was trembling. “Book it. Right now.”

It’s a done deal. We have waded through Electives A to E, smirked at the “Drawing for Jesus” and “Keepin’ it Fresh” workshops, booked a hotel, and googled the average temperature for Edmonton in January. (result = cold) Horray! Very, very excited.

You should come along. You know you want to.

edit: this wasn’t meant to be anti-American, my south-of-the-border peeps, just a celebration of who WE are. Don’t be offended. Sorry.

I’ve had some very flattering requests to update on the painting situation. Ah, go on!

“Fiasco” is perhaps the best word to describe the painting situation. Here you are: you read it here first.

Day One

With great gusto and optimism, having washed, rinsed and taped, I began with a thorough coat of primer:

Now, I’d had a bunch of paint chips on my wall for a few weeks, and had narrowed it down to two colours (which I’d show here, but which I cannot find online). I began, happily, with Choice #1, Debbie Travis’ “Cobblestone.” Now, Cobblestone seemed like a lovely taupey brown, with slight, slight olive tones. In fact, the swatches looked lovely on my wall.

BUT….. once I had it on the walls, it looked like puke. Literally, like vomit crossed with breastfed baby poo. I persevered, however, and painted two coats of it.

Two coats, mind you.

But the longer I looked at it, the more vomit like it seemed. My husband told me, in vain, that it was a great colour. He said it was perfect. He said it was the colour we had wanted four years ago, when I’d we’d mistakenly chosen a minty bluish green. He said it matched our furniture exactly.

Day Two

But the next morning, while he was at work, I decided that I couldn’t stand it, not for one more day. I charged out to Canadian Tire and purchased two gallons of Choice #2, Premier Paint’s “Tavern Taupe.” Never mind that it wasn’t on sale, I knew this would be a better colour.

I resolutely put my scrubbies back on and began cutting in. It seemed awfully light…. but perhaps it was just the contrast of Tavern Taupe on Vomit. I had painted one whole coat, wrapping around from the fireplace to the kitchen overhead beam, when my husband came in for lunch.

He looked around, and said mildly, “Ah. Hmm. Do you like this colour?”

I stepped back, and this is what I saw:

Wha– But — where is the Tavern Taupe? This is not Tavern Taupe. This is Tavern Purple. This is Tavern Colour of Someone’s Garage Interior. This is Tavern Boringest Colour in the World.

Day Three

After drying my tears, washing out my mouth with soap, taking some more B Complex and another shot of Rescue Remedy, it was time for the vomit to go back up, which was the beginning of the FIFTH COAT of paint:

(See how well those Bs work?)

Day Four

It’s still not done. I cannot reach the top of the 16 foot walls, and am afraid of climbing so high on the extension ladder, so I am waiting for my infinitely patient husband to have some spare time. In the meantime, here is the completed area:

Now that that’s all behind me…. I think it’s time for a new colour scheme in the kitchen. You think?

just kidding

Last week I was in my scrubbies, playing the main role in this scene:

…when a handsome stranger in a cruiser’s vest came to ask for the pleasure of my company on a venture into the great unknown. After a few moments of maidenly hesitation, I threw caution to the wind and climbed into his truck.

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.): to be appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.): impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal cool ness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

15. Excessorize (v.): to go out with too much jewellery, handbags and perfume on.

16. Mackerel (n.): a mack for a young woman.

17. Saucepan (n.): a child’s face after being saucy.

and my favourite of all:

18. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

One year ago today, I was working a lot harder than I am now.

Yesterday my youthful daughter said, “You know that place in Rome where they had gladiators and let lions eat people up?”

“Yes, the Colosseum,” I said wisely.

“They should cut that place down. Imagine living across the street from the Colosseum. That would be a pretty sad place.”

“Well, the Colosseum is thousands of years old. People like to look at something that old,” I responded.

“I wouldn’t want to look at it,” she said. “Bad things happened there. They should cut it down and build a pool or something nice.”

Okay, it’s time for all you decorating mavens to shine! I’m having a terrible time trying to improve my living room. I can’t decide what to do about my fireplace. Here it is, exhibit A:

The Definites:

• Will paint the rest of the room a sort of light brown / taupe colour. It sounds awful, but really it’s quite lovely.
• Will paint the fireplace alcove (3 walls) chocolate brown
• That hideous brass fireplace insert must be painted, stat. I’m thinking charcoal. What do you think? Replacing it is out of the question right now.
• Will replace the incongruent brown trim at the top with some crown moulding, and put up some baseboards after four years!*

The Undecideds:

• Should I paint the bricks a creamy white? Once it’s done, it’s never coming off… so I need to be sure. The thing is, it’s so dark over there. I’m awfully fond of dark paint (a feature area, you understand) but it is approaching cavelike. Some nice creamy bricks might take care of that.
• If I paint the bricks, should I try to stick in a mantle of some sort? And how could I do that without making it seem to float mid-air?
• Alternatively, should I try to convince Mr Man to box in the bricks with drywall, and build a real mantle?
• Should I paint the bit I believe is called a stoop? (the little shelf along the bottom, about a foot off the floor)

* Mr Man says we will put in the baseboards when we’re ready to sell. Grrr.

Three things that scare me:
1. Religious extremists
2. The state of the environment
3. Pedophiles

Three people who make me laugh:
1. Shan
2. My school friend Shane C. (whom I have just found on Facebook!)
3. My daughter

Three things I love:
1. Autumn
2. Back scratches
3. Dinner parties

Three things I don’t like:
1. Arrogance
2. Gossip
3. Vacuuming

Three things I don’t understand:
1. Math
2. People who claim that global warming is a hoax
3. Why everyone acts immature in the House of Commons

Three things on my desk
1. Stapler
2. Bellydance DVD
3. Toy dump truck

Three things I am doing right now:
1. Typing
2. Listening to Rod Stewart
3. Drinking tea

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Learn to juggle
2. Act in a play
3. Ride a motorbike

Three things I can do:
1. Belch incredibly loudly
2. Get on a plane whenever I want
3. Remember all the words (to all the verses) of hundreds of hymns

Three things I can’t do:
1. Chop wood
2. Not cry during O Canada
3. Sleep well when the house is a mess

Three things you should listen to:
1. Your mother
2. Brooks & Dunn
3. Your children

Three things you should never listen to:
1. Politicians
2. Hypocrites
3. An unfamiliar hairdresser’s advice

Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. Cosby Show
2. the Disney Sunday Movie
3. Chips

Three people I tag:
1. You
2. Are All
3. Tagged